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Thursday, May 19, 2016

Day 51 of The Thirty Day Proactive Test

A Practical Summary of the Seven Habits—Habit 4: Win-Win

Win-Win: It Sounds Obvious

"Think win-win" sounds obvious, but it isn't. The reason that it isn't goes all the way back to Part 1 of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits, where paradigms are introduced. The challenge is that while the concept of "think win-win" is simple, the location of the concept in our mind is in our unconscious paradigm, in the way we look at the world. And most people do not think win-win, even if they say that they do - in fact, even if they think that they do.

Let's get clear about the concept, then look at why it is so difficult to live by.

Win, Lose, Win-Lose

The Win-Win concept is really simple. "Win" means wanting to succeed. "Lose" means expecting to fail, or even wanting to fail. The first "Win" or "Lose" refers to ourselves. The second refers to other people. This leads to Table #1, The Four Success Paradigms, which shows the four paradigms each of us may have in relation to success, with examples.

Table #1: The Four Success Paradigms

Me	The Other Person	Paradigm	Example
Lose	Lose	Lose-Lose	Someone who doesn't try to doesn't think anything can work out for anyone
Lose	Win	Lose-Win	A martyr type who thinks that the world is a competition, and doesn't want anyone else to lose
Win	Lose	Win-Lose	The classic competitor: From football player to salesman
Win	Win	Win-Win	An entrepreneur who succeeds by delighting his customers

Do you really believe win-win is possible?

The Lose-Lose Basket of Crabs

It's said that a fisherman can fill a basket of crabs and leave it on the wharf without worrying about them crawling out. A crab can climb out of a basket. But whenever one gets on top of the others and is close to getting out, the others climb onto him, using his body to climb out themselves, and pull him back down. Each crab is trying to win, playing a win-lose game. And they all end up losing.

Is it just crabs, or is that the American way of life?

Success Paradigms

A paradigm is a deeply held, partly unconscious, view of life. We develop our views of success early, probably no later than high school. But the key is that the view is a perspective, not a reality. In fact, two people with similar experiences can develop different views, different paradigms. For example, imagine two friends on a football or soccer team in high school. One focuses on winning the game, and thinks in terms of "we win, and they lose." The other focuses on team work and thinks, "I pass the ball to a teammate, or he passes it to me, and we can score." One is focused on the win-lose relationship between competing sports teams. The other is focused on the win-win relationship between members of the same team.

These two friends grow up. One feels that to win, to succeed in life, he has to defeat others. The other thinks that to win, he has to help others win. From the same sports experience, one learns the lesson "life is win-lose," and the other learns the lesson, "life is win-win."

But neither one is likely to know this about themselves. We live with the way we see the world, but, unless we develop self-awareness, we don't see how it is that we see the world.

What It Takes to Become Win-Win

One extreme example of lose-lose living was the 100-year conflict between the Protestants and the Catholics in Northern Ireland. Each side felt they were the persecuted minority: The Protestants because, in Northern Ireland, they were outnumbered by the Catholics; and the Catholics because the government was run by the British Protestants. The feuding and killing went on for a hundred years, with children growing up to avenge their parents and older brothers.

That all changed when two mothers, Mairead Corrigan and Betty Williams, joined together to form Women for Peace, later called Peace People, and call for an end to violence in Northern Ireland. On accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, Betty Williams explained the moment of her paradigm shift to win-win thinking:

A deep sense of frustration at the mindless stupidity of the continuing violence was already evident before the tragic events of that sunny afternoon of August 10, 1976. But the deaths of those four young people in one terrible moment of violence caused that frustration to explode, and create the possibility of a real peace movement . . . As far as we are concerned, every single death in the last eight years, and every death in every war that was ever fought represents life needlessly wasted, a mother's labour spurned.

The final bullet point of the Declaration of the Peace People defines win-win thinking:

We dedicate ourselves to working with our neighbours, near and far, day in and day out, to build that peaceful society in which the tragedies we have known are a bad memory and a continuing warning.

Everyone Says They're Win-Win

Losers Who Think They Want to Win

You wouldn't think that there would be many lose-win people in business, but there are. These people think they are win-win. They say - and believe - that they succeed by helping others. But they give away the store. They under-charge, or they work extra without asking for extra cash. In independent business, they price their work without counting the value of their own work time. Their clients and bosses are often happy. But they are not. They say they are glad to help out, but, deep down, they remain unfulfilled, underpaid, and dissatisfied. If they don't go postal, then they end up poor and depressed at the end of a long career.

Win-Lose at the End of the Day

There is one unfortunate side-effect of the success of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Since the book's publication, everyone has heard of "win-win." And it's such a great idea, such a catchy slogan. What is more appealing than a salesman who says, "I think win-win. I look out for my customers."

What is more appealing than really being win-win? Just one thing: Saying it about ourselves, even if it is not true.

People who hear the idea without doing the difficult work of honest self-examination are likely to truly believe they are win-win. But when it comes to closing the deal, they will still add on an unnecessary (and highly profitable) warranty or finance offer or add-on. Or they will sell an inferior product. Or they will fail to follow up with good customer service.

Why? Because the paradigm is deeper than words. If, underneath our self-image, we truly think that it's a dog-eat-dog world, we're still going to want to be top dog at the end of the day. So we say "win-win," but we live "win-lose."

Win-Lose / Lose-Win

I've seen one other version of the Win-Lose paradigm that Covey doesn't mention in 7 Habits. Some people believe that competition is just the way the world is. Sometimes, they go for the win. Sometimes, they accept the loss. For example, they might be very competitive at work, but let their wife win every argument. But, with this paradigm, they can't believe win-win is a real option. At work, they will not be true team players. And at home, if the marriage hits the rocks, therapy will not be an option for them, because they don't want to make the wife unhappy, and they think the only way to make her happy is to lose.

Real Win-Win is Very Rare

In my experience, there are few people who really think win-win. Even people who live win-win in one area of their lives - for example, people in the helping professions like nursing or psychotherapy - are likely not to see the world as win-win. There is a simple reason for this: The world can be win-win, but there are so few win-win people out there, that we rarely run into one. So it is hard to believe win-win can be real. And it is even harder to find a win-win partner or team who will make it real with us.

Why "or no deal"?

Stephen Covey proposes that once we understand the value of win-win synergy, there's no point going for anything else. And I've found that to be true. If I can't find someone to work with who wants win-win, I'd rather work alone, even if it takes longer to get what I want.

Win-win is great when I can make it happen. I'm willing to give it a try - probably more often than I should. I end up starting a lot of projects that look promising. But, all too often, the other person ends up claiming win-win, even believing he is win-win, but underneath it all is still trying to climb up by dragging someone else down, or he is committed to self-sabotage, talking about success, but not making it happen.

I haven't given up hope, but I've learned my lesson. I'm very cautious about investing in partnerships. If this issue is as important to you as it is to me, you'll probably want to read more. So I'm writing more about it. Please enjoy:

Why is Win-Win So Rare?
7 Habits Solutions: Independence With Win-Win Moments

Stephen Covey says that there is one clear sign of win-win, and that's winning by helping others.I do that, and I'll keep doing it. Writing for a career is a great win-win way to go. I love writing, so I win. You learn when you read; that makes it win-win.

Why does win-win work so easily in writing? It works because the relationship is very distant, very open. If someone reads this article and doesn't like it, no harm, no foul, they just move on.

Win-win is much harder if we depend on each other. Say we are writing a book together. If we have different expertise that the book needs, neither one of us can do it alone. The book can be great, but only if we are each independent (able to produce good work), and we listen to each other, and everything clicks. In fact, it takes two people, each one of whom is living all Seven Habits, to make a win-win relationship work. And that is very rare.

And if I find people who work like that, I'll work with folks them, for sure!

And the first practical step of winning by helping others is Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood.

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The kingdom of God is among you

Luke 17:20-25 Asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God was to come, Jesus gave them this answer, ‘The coming of the kingdom of God does not admit of observation and there will be no one to say, “Look here! Look there!” For, you must know, the kingdom of God is among you.’ He said to the disciples, ‘A time will come when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man and will not see it. They will say to you, “Look there!” or, “Look here!” Make no move; do not set off in pursuit; for as the lightning flashing from one part of heaven lights up the other, so will be the Son of Man when his day comes. But first he must suffer grievously and be rejected by this generation.’

Live Adoration from Tyburn Convent

Adoration, also known as Eucharistic Adoration, is a Catholic prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament. It is a sign of devotion and worship to Jesus Christ, who is believed to be present in the consecrated host. During adoration, Catholics pray to Jesus Christ before the Eucharist at their local parish. The Eucharist is typically kept in a tabernacle at the parish church, and may be presented in front of a closed tabernacle or in front of the exposed host in a monstrance. A monstrance is a vessel used in Roman Catholic, Anglican, High Church Lutheran, and Old Catholic churches. It is a stand made of precious metal that holds the Blessed Sacrament during adoration. The word "monstrance" comes from Latin and means "to show".

Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. 1 Corinthians 13:8-9,13: Love does not come to an end. But if there are gifts of prophecy, the time will come when they must fail; or the gift of languages, it will not continue for ever; and knowledge – for this, too, the time will come when it must fail. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophesying is imperfect. In short, there are three things that last: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love. Colossians 3:14-15: Over all these clothes, to keep them together and complete them, put on love. And may the peace of Christ reign in your hearts, because it is for this that you were called together as parts of one body. Always be thankful.

It is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword

Jesus instructed the Twelve as follows: ‘Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth: it is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be those of his own household. ‘Anyone who prefers father or mother to me is not worthy of me. Anyone who prefers son or daughter to me is not worthy of me. Anyone who does not take his cross and follow in my footsteps is not worthy of me. Anyone who finds his life will lose it; anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it. ‘Anyone who welcomes you welcomes me; and those who welcome me welcome the one who sent me. ‘Anyone who welcomes a prophet will have a prophet’s reward; and anyone who welcomes a holy man will have a holy man’s reward. ‘If anyone gives so much as a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is a disciple, then I tell you solemnly, he will most certainly not lose his reward.’ When Jesus had finished instructing his twelve disciples he moved on from there to teach and preach in their towns.

The beheading of John the Baptist

Matthew 14:1-12 Herod the tetrarch heard about the reputation of Jesus, and said to his court, ‘This is John the Baptist himself; he has risen from the dead, and that is why miraculous powers are at work in him.’ Now it was Herod who had arrested John, chained him up and put him in prison because of Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife. For John had told him, ‘It is against the Law for you to have her.’ He had wanted to kill him but was afraid of the people, who regarded John as a prophet. Then, during the celebrations for Herod’s birthday, the daughter of Herodias danced before the company, and so delighted Herod that he promised on oath to give her anything she asked. Prompted by her mother she said, ‘Give me John the Baptist’s head, here, on a dish.’ The king was distressed but, thinking of the oaths he had sworn and of his guests, he ordered it to be given her, and sent and had John beheaded in the prison. The head was brought in on a dish and given to the girl, who took it to her mother. John’s disciples came and took the body and buried it; then they went off to tell Jesus.

Psalms 9:16

The LORD is known by the judgment which he executeth: the wicked is snared in the work of his own hands. Higgaion. Selah - Question: What does Higgaion and Selah mean? Answer: Both Higgaion and Selah are used numerous times in the Old Testament. They occur together in Psalm 9:16. The meanings of these words are uncertain. We observe Higgaion in such passages as Psalm 9:16; 19:14; 42:3; Lamentations 3:63. In Arabic, the root gives a deep vibrating sound, like the murmering sound of a harp (Psa. 92:3). The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia states that it may be derived from the Greek versions of Psalm 9:16 and takes it to mean an instrumental interlude. It may also mean a soliloquy or meditation such as concerning the judgment of God (Psa. 9:16), the words and work of God (Psa. 19:14), and the loving kindness and faithfulness of God (Psa. 92:2-3). In the Septuagint, Selah is translated as daplasma (meaning a division). It occurs in Habakkuk 3:3, 9, 13 and 71 times in the Psalms. It is used in 39 of our 150 psalms. Of those 39 psalms, 31 they are ones handed over to "the chief Musician." So, pause and meditation may be the predominate idea. In addition, it may mean to lift up (Hebrew, salal) or, in some definitions, a repetition, end of a strophe, or a recurring symphony. In his sermon named "HIGGAION!" about Psalm 9:16, Archibald G. Brown, on August 17, 1873, at the East London Tabernacle said this: "When the psalmist wrote this verse, and reached the words 'The wicked shall be snared in the work of his own hands', he seemed to be overpowered at the terror of the thought, and so put a full stop and wrote in the word 'Higgaion!' As much as to say, 'O my soul, meditate on the tremendous truth my hand has penned, and let all who read the same meditate.' And then after 'Higgaion' he puts 'Selah'. He would have there to be a solemn pause. Oh, I would that there could be just one moment's solemn pause in our meeting tonight. Would that there could be a Selah, a Higgaion! Friends, shall there be? I put it to you. 'The Lord is known by the judgment which he executes; and the wicked shall be snared in the work of his own hands!" Now let us just for a moment meditate on that. Let there be a solemn Higgaion, and let every heart ask itself the question, 'How do I stand in reference to this tremendous truth?' *Answer by Dr. Joseph R. Nally, Jr. (https://thirdmill.org/answers/answer.asp/file/47892)*

The Rant